Once you become attached to a person’s personality, it is extremely hard to let go.  But essentially this is the purpose and idea behind the life of this world.  Do not become stuck at a level and you will attain spiritual ascension.

Rumi discusses this when he speaks about the “tresses” of God’s “hair”.  The tresses are the beautiful attributes of God that manifest through his creations.  People hold onto the tresses and become so infatuated that they forget that the sole purpose behind the tress was to guide them to the Being behind it.

Yes, people are beautiful, intelligent, generous, loving.  The world is beautiful, intelligent, generous, loving.  But do not allow these things to block your view of the Being behind them all.  Try not to allow yourself to hold onto a tress for so long that you cry when it is time to let it go.

It’s so hard sometimes because you wonder why you had to encounter the tress in the first place.  Yet there is a wisdom behind it, you may not understand it now, nor 10 years from now.  But use it as a tool to get beneath the “hair” that covers God.  Use it as a way of understanding the vastness and wonder of God.  Do not fall in love with the painting.  Like the painting but fall in love with the Painter.

Goodbye beautiful tress.

I agree and disagree. I agree that the most important bond in a companionship is spiritual affinity, but I also think it takes longer than a moment to find that affinity.

Kahlil Gibran is such a deep thinker, I love his quotes.

This one I agree with whole-heartedly:
“Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.”

I was complaining, and my friend said that complaints are only a result of my weaknesses and misjudgment of God’s wisdom.

Someone also said, “What is Tasawwuf?  Finding happiness in the heart upon the arrival of grief.”  Every sorrow and difficulty that one undergoes in the dunya is a window into a future happiness in Paradise, God-willing.  The difficulty may also be a part of a training process Allah wants us to pass.  This way we become stronger in our character and faith.

Tasawwuf is the most difficult science in Islam.  The most difficult, but the most rewarding. :)

Materialistic people who cannot burst out of their bubbles:  They are driven by the brand-name fashion industry in which they cannot leave and realize that there are much more important matters to be worrying about.  Instead of acquiring a PhD to make a difference, they are bubbling with excitement about the future car they want to buy along with their entire coach collection of purses.  Some of these people complain that they cannot stand it when their parents or scholars of Islam tell them what to do…then why are they allowing a bunch of men who control the fashion industry to influence their minds and tell them what to wear?

The person who is bound to their culture by every thread.  I have no problem with this person unless they begin to demean people of other cultures and criticize others who choose to marry outside of their culture.  Yes.  I have heard (through secondary sources) that people have called my brother a “wannabe Arab” after he married a girl who traces her roots back to Yemen.  There is a line in the Quran where God says that he created people into different tribes and cultures so that we may learn from each other.  What better way for inter-cultural exchange and harmony than to marry people from a different culture?  A partner for marriage (in my opinion) is someone with which you have a harmonious, mutual understanding in the views that mean the most to you.  If I find this harmony in a person of a different culture or race, then by all means I will consider him.  I am also disappointed when people place priority on culture over religion.  The stigmas and ideologies developed by men through a culture can never outweigh the divine sources of religion.

Finally, people who are not willing to accept or even consider religious viewpoints that are different from their own.  I have countless of examples for this, but I will list only a few.  Intelligence to me is something that grows over time.  If one is stuck in a certain ideology, or in an ideology that inherently inhibits growth, then I will begin to feel suffocated.  The Quran is a guidance to all men for eternity.  This means that its guidance will oversee many eras of culture, fashion, governance, music, food etc.  This does not mean that the fashion, food, and culture that existed during the time of the prophet is superior to all others!  What is superior during the Prophet’s time was the Muslims’ character, knowledge, manners, and intimacy with God.  As long as a Muslim is covering the necessary areas of their body with modest clothing, I do not think that their intimacy with God is limited by their failure to wear a black abayah and niqab (face-covering).  The Quran did not come down to turn humanity into robots-it came to guide us into realizing that everything that exists is a proof of God and His oneness-including the culture, fashion, and food that changes throughout time.  I have no problem with niqab, I just have a problem with those who believe that to not wear it is restricting their relationship with God.

Of course this is an extreme example, but this “niqab” is a symbol for ideologies too.  My cousin-in-law told me once that he was criticized for playing basketball because it was a biddah (innovation) and had no place in the Quran and Sunnah.  This is ridiculous and sad at the same time.  One of my favorite scholars said that the reason so many Saudi youth are turning to “western” music is because their own display of musical creativity (Nasheeds, Qasidahs, etc) is being shunned in their land as a biddah, thus they have no means to express it except though foreign music.

Another example of this close-mindedness happened recently after a conference.  The conference had different sessions: one discussing the socio-psychological perspective of Islam, one discussing the political perspective of Islam, another discussing the spiritual perspective of Islam, and another discussing business marketing and how to use it to improve the west’s understanding of Islam.  A lot of my friends went.  At first I heard many criticisms about the atmosphere because it was not gender segregated and did not offer a lot in terms of Islamic knowledge.  Then however, I heard a completely different perspective.  My own cousin and his wife told me how much they enjoyed it, and another one of my good friends said it was amazing.  When I told them about the initial criticisms, they were shocked and said that the quality and comprehensiveness of the conference outweighed the fact that it was gender-mixed.  In fact, men and women sat in clusters so it was not completely mixed.  Conclusion: do not let a petty discomfort prevent you from benefiting from something larger and substantial.

These are three main qualities that I have difficulty coming to terms with.  However one of my friends told me that you should NEVER hold antipathy towards a person who says something hurtful.  What you should hold antipathy towards is the statement that was made.  This is beautiful.

At the end of the day, everyone is raised differently and has different experiences that make them who they are.  Maybe I need to learn to open my mind, too.

I remember I used to walk around when I was young and inwardly mock at people who could not control their emotions and gave into certain peer pressures. I remember hearing people say, “Why do people allow themselves to develop feelings for a person?”  “I know!”  I would say in complete agreement.  I was naive and arrogant.

As college life continued, I witnessed strong-willed and extremely practicing Muslims fall captive to their emotions.  I realized that I cannot hold everyone to a certain expectation if there are knowledgable people with good adab who fall captive to the same thing.  I realized:

1. We do not know someone’s circumstance
2. No one is raised with the same morals and values.  In fact, there are some Muslim parents who actually want their children to date before marriage.
3. A lot of problems in one area may cause someone to collapse and fall into sin in another area.  For example: people lose jobs+ money; they resort to alcohol.  Obviously this is haram, but they never would have taken alcohol if their jobs were secure.  The same can be said about dating.  A person who has no relationship with their parents (or has a parent that recently died), may find companionship and affection in a haram relationship.
4. The halal arena can turn bad.  (People start off with good intentions and plan events for the sake of Allah, during which they are totally clueless that they are developing feelings.  Another example: The halal formal atmosphere has turned into a doubtfully halal, informal atmosphere.  Again, the members are oblivious to the disintegrating atmosphere…and the states of their hearts.)
5. Some people just don’t know what the right thing to do is.  I remember a Muslim guy in my high school was actually surprised when I told him that men and women cannot date before marriage.
6. Some people hang out with the wrong crowd, and are intimidated by the “pious” Muslim crowd.

Now if I see a sister crying over a broken and confused heart…I am going to be much, much more compassionate.

Khalid Latif once said, you have to befriend someone first before you attempt to change them.  What does this entail?  You have to find qualities in the person that you like.  You have to understand their upbringing and personality.  Then, this may be the most effective way to change their perspective or behavior.

“My slave does not draw near to Me with anything I love more than what I have made obligatory on him. And my slave continues to draw near to Me with superogatory actions until I love him. When I love him, I become his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes, and his foot with which he walks.”

A person who is in union with God forgets about his own self-existence.  He thinks about God in every moment.  He sees the attributes of God manifested through everything.  And I am not talking about pantheism.  Everything is a reflection of God; even a rock is a manifestation of the attributes of God.  A rock is long-lasting, durable, and eternal.  God is ever-lasting, most durable, and the eternal.  A rock is a sign and proof of the existence of God.

So anyway, what does this have to do with womanhood?  It all began in a unique art class that I had to take as a sophomore.  I think we were assigned to design a project that had meaning to us and was a social service.  I remember a girl in my class wanted to design a service for young women, I think it was called “No More Tears.”  It’s designed for girls who have just left a broken relationship, girls who “lost” themselves in a relationship, and girls who forgot about their own ambitions and sense of self during a relationship.  As part of the project, the girls would come to the organization and bring a pair of shoes.  On their shoes they would glue and place symbols or a representation of everything that meant a lot to them.  As they wore their shoes, they would always remember what made them an individual.

I remember at the time thinking…woah!  Thank God I have not experienced this!  How does a girl allow herself to “lose” herself in a relationship?  But now as a senior, I have more understanding and sympathy.

Love is powerful and dangerous.  Just as Love for God causes the servant of God to be so consumed and forgetful of his own self…so does love for a temporal being/item.  A girl who is “in love” with her partner is willing to sacrifice and compromise almost every aspect of herself for the sake of union with her “beloved.”  When the relationship ends, she is confused and lost.  Of course, this is not the correct or right understanding of love…but what can you expect from the youth?  They are naïve and willing to take risks.  This kind of love exists on the side of the boy, as well.  However, I personally have seen only cases of a woman losing her sense of self.  This is yet another reason why many women choose to stay within abusive relationships.

In conclusion, women need to discover themselves before they seek a partner.  Independence is one of the best gifts she can offer to her husband.  The only Being that deserves a woman’s heart and self is her Creator.

-Randy Pausch

I finished reading the book, “The Last Lecture,” by Randy Pausch.  The author has a fatal disease (pancreatic cancer)…and wrote the book at a time when he had only a few months left to live.  I underlined various advice he had for the reader…one of his advices that struck me the most was on forgiveness.  He begins by saying how he would discuss with his students the proper way to apologize, which, by the way, is very Islamic. :)

“Working in groups was crucial in my classes, and friction between students was unavoidable.  Some students wouldn’t pull their load.  Others were so full of themselves that they’d belittle their partners.  By mid-semester, apologies were always in order.  When students wouldn’t do it, everything would spin out of control.  So I’d often give classes my little routine about apologies.

I’d start by describing the two classic bad apologies:

1. ‘I’m sorry that you feel hurt by what I’ve done.’  (This is an attempt at an emotional salve, but it’s obvious you don’t want to put any medicine in the wound.)

2. ‘I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you’ve done.’ (That’s not giving an apology.  That’s asking for one.)

Proper apologies have three parts:

1. What I did was wrong.
2. I feel badly that I hurt you.
3. How do I make this better?

Yes, some people may take advantage of you when answering question three.  But most people will be genuinely appreciative of your make-good efforts.  They may tell you how to make it better in some small, easy way.  And often, they’ll work harder to help make things better themselves.

Students would say to me: ‘What if I apologize and the other person doesn’t apologize back?’  I’d tell them: ‘That’s not something you can control, so don’t let it eat at you.’

-Randy Pausch

Beautiful advice.  It’s funny, because I had a rocky weekend lately, and my friend sent me a beautiful apology e-mail.  I thought of Randy before I responded.  So I made sure that I apologized back.  To say “I’m sorry” to somebody is such a sign of humility…you just have to accept it.  To not accept an apology is a sign of arrogance…and that it a whole other blog entry.  Within seconds after reading the e-mail from my friend, all sadness and tension within me vanished.

Not forgiving somebody can lead one to harbor rancor in his/her heart.  And I learned the HARD WAY to never do this again!  Shaykh Hamza Yusuf was so right when he said that the person who harbors the rancor is more harmed than the person who is the target of rancor.  You want to know how I learned the hard way?  Google “psychosomatic pain.” J

Anyway, don’t be scared!  (Haha) I don’t have any ill-feelings towards anyone, all praise be to God.  It’s wonderful to be in this state.

A bee on the farm at the RIHLA

I took this picture :)

One of the Shuyukh (I think it was Shaykh Hamza Yusuf) said that we should be like bees when they fly from flower to flower collecting nectar.  We should go through life collecting the best character traits and manners from people we encounter.  Then we will produce an all-curing product (honey): an excellent character!

About the RIHLA…There were several books we read (and are still reading), including Purification of the Heart, Reflections of Pearls, and The Creed of Imam Al Tahawi.  One of my favorites however is Islamic Manners by Shaykh ‘Abd al-Fattah Abu Ghuddah.  It was also the only book that I was not familiar with before coming to the RIHLA.  It is absolutely beautiful and practical.  Just as much as the Muslim must try to perfect their prayers and outer devotions to God, so too should they also perfect their manners and relations with others.  This reminds me of what Shaykh Husain Abdul Sattar said in a lecture once…that Allah is is more forgiving for the transgressions we commit against Him (prayer, fasting) than the transgressions we committ against other creations.  This is because we have to seek forgiveness from both the person we wronged against and God.

This book also reminded me of a beautiful article I read once called “Adab: The Sufi Art of Conscious Relationship.”  You can find it here:

http://www.sufismontario.org/writtings/Adab,%20Sufi%20Art%20of%20Conscious%20Relationships,%20by%20Kabir%20Helminski.htm

A favorite passage:

“I have observed that children in Sufi families are lovingly given subtle cues about how to act and move throughout the world.  Abdulbaki Golpinarli, perhaps the greatest documentator of Sufi life in the last century wrote about his own upbringing in this way:

I remember that, when I was a child, if I walked quickly, or stamped my feet, people would say to me (not out of anger), ‘What are you doing, Baki? What kind of a way is that to walk?  My child, eveything has a heart, a life, a soul: wouldn’t the wood get hurt?  Look, it’s laid itself on the floor for us to walk on.  Shouldn’t we show respect, and not hurt it?’”

It is because of this emphasis on manners and good character in Islam that has made me somewhat place outward devotional acts below inward devotion and character.  Don’t misunderstand me, both are extremely important.  To have one and not the other is hypocrisy.  But for example, I don’t think I could tell a sister that she should wear hijab.  The fact that I am spending time with her and already wearing one is enough pressure as it is.  At the end of the day, covering your hair is not as important as controlling one’s anger, forgiving others, and displaying selflessness.  What kind of representation of Islam would a hijabi be displaying if she continually backbited others and “told people off” instead of holding her anger in?  I know a few sisters who became discouraged from coming to the MSA for the same reason.

May God allow us to incorporate the best manners into our characters and spread the truth through this medium.  Ameen.

 “Turn your back in repentance to Him, and fear Him: establish regular prayers, and be not amongst those who join gods with God, those who split up their Religion, and become (mere) Sects,- each party rejoicing in that which is with itself!”
-Surah Rum 31-32

Muslims are so bewildered and confused these days by the massive amount of trivial differences that exist between different Islamic “sects”.  At the end of the day everyone should realise that it is our “burning” for God that matters.  I love this poem…read it and you will understand what I mean by “burning.”

 Moses and the Shepherd
Jalaluddin Rumi

Moses heard a shepherd on the road praying, “God,”
where are You? I want to help You, to fix Your shoes
and comb Your hair. I want to wash Your clothes
and pick the lice off. I want to bring You milk,
to kiss Your little hands and feet when it’s time
for You to go to bed. I want to sweep Your room
and keep it neat. God, my sheep and goats
are Yours. All I can say, remembering You,
is ayyyy and ahhhhhhhhh.”
 
Moses could stand it no longer.
“Who are you talking to?”
“The One who made us,
and made the earth and made the sky.”
“Don’t talk about shoes
and socks with God! And what’s this with Your little hands
and feet? Such blasphemous familiarity sounds like
you’re chatting with your uncles.
Only something that grows
needs milk. Only someone with feet needs shoes. Not God!
Even if you meant God’s human representatives
as when God said, ‘I was sick, and you did not visit me,’
even then this tone would be foolish and irreverent.
 
Use appropriate terms. Fatima is a fine name
for a woman, but if you call a man Fatima,
it’s an insult. Body-and-birth language
are right for us on this side of the river,
but not for addressing the Origin,
not for Allah.”
 
The shepherd repented and tore his clothes and sighed
and wandered out into the desert.
A sudden revelation
came then to Moses. God’s voice:
 
You have separated Me
from one of my own. Did you come as a Prophet to unite,
or to sever?
I have given each being a separate and unique way
of seeing and knowing and saying that knowledge.
What seems wrong to you is right for him.
What is poison to one is honey to someone else.
Purity and impurity, sloth and diligence in worship,
these mean nothing to Me.
I am apart from all that.
Ways of worshipping are not to be ranked as better
or worse than one another.
…
It’s all praise, and it’s all
right.
It’s not Me that’s glorified in acts of worship.
It’s the worshippers! I don’t hear the words
they say. I look at the humility.
That broken-open lowliness is the Reality,
not the language! Forget phraseology.
I want burning,
burning.
Be friends
with your burning. Burn up your thinking
and your forms of expression!
Moses,
those who pay attention to ways of behaving
and speaking are one sort.
Lovers who burn
are another.
 
Don’t impose a property tax
on a burned out village. Don’t scold the Lover.
The “wrong” way he talks is better than a hundred
“right” ways of others.
 
Inside the Kaaba
it doesn’t matter which direction you point
your prayer rug!
The ocean diver doesn’t need snowshoes!
The Love-Religion has no code or doctrine.
Only God.
So the ruby has nothing engraved on it!
It doesn’t need markings.
 
God began speaking deeper mysteries to Moses. Vision and words,
which cannot be recorded here, poured into
and through him. He left himself and came back.
He went to Eternity and came back here.
Many times this happened.
It’s foolish of me
to try and say this. If I did say it,
it would uproot our human intelligences.
It would shatter all writing pens.
 
Moses ran after the shepherd.
He followed the bewildered footprints,
in one place moving straight like a castle
across a chessboard. In another, sideways,
like a bishop.
Now surging like a wave cresting,
now sliding down like a fish,
with always his feet
making geomancy symbols in the sand,
recording
his wandering state.
Moses finally caught up
with him.
 
“I was wrong. God has revealed to me
that there are no rules for worship.
Say whatever
and however your loving tells you to. Your sweet blasphemy
is the truest devotion. Through you a whole world
is freed.
Loosen your tongue and don’t worry what comes out.
It’s all the Light of the Spirit.”
 
The shepherd replied,
“Moses, Moses,
I’ve gone beyond even that.
You applied the whip and my horse shied and jumped
out of itself. The Divine Nature and my human nature
came together.
Bless your scolding hand and your arm.
I can’t say what has happened.
What I’m saying now
is not my real condition. It can’t be said.”
The shepherd grew quiet.
 
When you look in a mirror,
you see yourself, not the state of the mirror.
The fluteplayer puts breath into a flute,
and who makes the music? Not the flute.
The Fluteplayer!
 
Whenever you speak praise
or thanksgiving to God, it’s always like this
dear shepherd’s simplicity.
When you eventually see
through the veils of how things really are,
you will keep saying again
and again,
“This is certainly not like we thought it was!”
 
Mathnawi II 1720-96, from This Longing: Poetry, Teaching Stories, and Selected Letters, translated by Coleman Barks and John Moyne (Putney, Vt.: Threshold Books, 1988), pp. 19-22.

I left out one line in the poem because some people will not understand it.  Also, when the shephard says that his Divine Nature and Human Nature have combined, he is merely discussing this authentic hadith:

Abu Hurayra said that the Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, said, “God Almighty said, ‘I have declared war on anyone who shows enmity to a friend of Mine. My slave does not draw near to Me with anything I love more than what I have made obligatory on him. And my slave continues to draw near to Me with superogatory actions until I love him. When I love him, I become his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes, and his foot with which he walks. If he were to ask Me for something, I would give it to him. If he were to ask Me for refuge, I would give him refuge.’” [al-Bukhari]

That is one of my favorite ahadeeth…ever.  MashAllah.

Form vs Meaning:

Our body is the outward form, our soul is the inner meaning.

Ritual prayer, Fiqh, and Aqeedah is the form, our love, humility, and devotion to God is the meaning.

I was trying to explain this to someone one day…and they totally missed my point…I was trying to build bridges and they probably thought I was debating because they became a bit defensive.

Instead of finding differences that separate, people are supposed to be finding similarities and expound upon that.  Why do people bicker and expound upon the small stuff?  I don’t get it…

The fact that Muslims have fragmented is really depressing.  It has come to the point where Muslims refuse to marry others based on their “belonging to Sunni…Shia…salafi…sufi..etc.”  How do you think the Prophet (pbuh) would feel if he knew that young Muslim brothers and sisters of his Ummah could not marry and sometimes even befriend each other based on these differences?  I honestly think this is sign of the end times.

However…one of my most trusted friends told me that you should marry someone who you are “spiritually compatible” with.  I will never forget it and I completely agree.  Otherwise there may be some problems as the husband and wife try to grow spiritually together.  The only problem is…how can you judge someone’s spirituality?